EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!
Article by Jack Diven
Here is something that we likely realize but probably never think about... fighting is a part of relationships.
Pause... a few chuckles later...
I have also had married couples tell me that they never fight with their spouse. Even if that is true in the sense that you and your husband don't yell at each other, I petition that each relationship not only has their moments when they fight, but they are always fighting for something, whether it be for the marriage itself or fighting simply to become a better relationship.
One way or another, wether it's just one time, a dozen times, or starts with good intention, every relationship fights at some point.
So if you're like me and you and the love of your life, have a tussle from time to time. There must be a right way to go about it. So step into the ring with me, and let's talk about 8 ways of how to fight well with your significant other.
Apollo Creed interjects: "Ding... Ding" (please tell me someone gets it)
1. Listen
It is not uncommon to hear throughout your life that the key to a good relationship is listening. Now I won't be so bold to say that it is the key, because I think there are many, but it is certainly imperative to winning a fight. One of my best friends, Liana Clanton, has many great qualities and it just so happens that one of those qualities is that she is a great listener. She will sit and listen to you speak, even if it hurts, and not interrupt you one time.
Why is this a great quality? It insures that the person that is speaking has spoken everything that they believe needs to be said and allows you to say what you need to say with full disclosure of the entire issue as your spouse can articulate it. A mouth full I know. If you are quick to listen and slow to speak you have a good chance of diffusing some possible anger and quickly getting to the root of the problem.
2. Speak Calmly
If you are like me, you don't like to be yelled at. While I will admit that I do believe there are times that yelling in general may need to happen, I find that in almost every situation, I respond better to someone communicating their point to me calmly. I personally feel completely disrespected if someone yells at me without good warrant to do so and typically respect the person yelling at me less. This certainly doesn't do well for your point in an argument or for effective change, which should be the catalyst for a fight in the first place.
3. Talk About the Real Issue
Many times when a fight happens between you and your spouse, there is a good chance that the fight that started is not the only issue or the deepest issue that is going on. I can remember one time Kayla and I got into an argument about a Bible verse that we were reading! Crazy right!? In the end, we really didn't care that much about our difference in thought about that particular verse, the argument really was about a deeper issue that was hidden before we entered into conflict. So, with that being said, it is important to identify what the argument is really about so that you can get to the root of the issue and create a real solution to the problem.
4. Be Aware of Your Own Deep Issues.
In case you haven't figured it out yet upon reading this blog, I am going to give you a revelation right now...
You are absolutely, positively not even close to perfect! NEWS FLASH FROM THE NEWLY WEDS: You have issues, and so do I.
It is important to realize that you have certain issues that are deep within yourself that may be a big factor in an argument with your spouse. A personal example would be this: "I am ultra competitive." So how does that translate into a fight with your spouse? My competitive nature causes me to want to be right in a argument. Now I don't necessarily see a problem with wanting to be right, I think it's safe to say that all of us would rather be right than wrong, but the problem is when our competitive nature takes over in such a way that we would rather win an argument by being right than to have a constructive argument that allows us to grow as individuals and as couples and move toward something to where we both people win. We win when we strive and work hard through conflict and come out better on the other side. Now being right to a fault might not be your deep issue, but I assure you that you have one and it may greatly affect your ability to have a successful conflict and come out on the other side with a win or a "W" as us baseball players refer to it.
5. Don't Be Afraid of Conflict
Have you ever heard this phrase: "Don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game." Some of you savvy and sappy entertainment folk are thinking to yourself, how does he know that quote from A Cinderella Story? I will not disclose any further information on how I know that quote! The real point is that you can't get better if you are afraid of the outcome of an argument. Believe it or not, there are a ton of invaluable skills that you can learn from trying to resolve a conflict. Things like, communication, self-control, and of course... problem solving! All of those skills are imperative in a healthy relationship and I have found that NOT shying away from these things has allowed me to grow exponentially in other facets of my life such as leading a team or simply being a good friend. If you never try to work an argument out and just hold it inside, you will miss out on the chance to obtain some of these skills. Not only that, but it's really hard for your relationship to get better or grow without going through some growing pains. You will make mistakes along the way but conflict is a natural part of relationships that everyone must go through. Don't ignore conflict, embrace it, and use it to grow your yourself and your relationships.
6. Go All 15 Rounds
The more manly movie side of me would use a quote like this, "It's not about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward... that's how winning is done."
When I think of working through conflict I can't even help but think about Rocky Balboa and his determination to go all 15 rounds in a boxing match. Rocky gets the ever living snot beat out of him throughout the fight, but every time he goes a whole 15 rounds, he finds the way to get a win. As crazy as that may sound, that's exactly how we have to fight for our relationships. If I am being honest, there are times where I will get in an argument with Kayla and at the beginning I catch myself thinking, "man this is gonna take at least an hour and a half to get through this." (I know... what a jerk) but it is extremely important that we as couples finish the arguments that we get into. Nobody wins if both sides just surrender and decide that it's just easier to give up than to get beat up for 15 rounds and face the possibility of losing. Don't leave, don't go to bed, or give up just because it is easier. When you get into a fight, don't throw in the towel, keep the gloves up for a whole 15 rounds, don't take a loss. Be determined to get a win no matter how hard it is, or how long it takes. Remember a win is when both you and your spouse grow, get better, and strengthen the relationship. Don't settle for anything less. You're talking about a valuable investment of your time and your life if you are serious about the relationship that you are in.
7. Keep the Bigger Perspective in Mind
When you are fighting with your spouse, it is incredibly easy to have the overall purpose get really cloudy and blurry. This goes hand in hand with trying to be right rather than trying to get a real win. But something else I will mention is that for many of us, especially those of us that are married, know exactly the thing to say that will hurt our spouse the most. When we are rolling with the verbal punches in our fights, it is so easy to throw an underserved haymaker or knock out punch. Don't lose track of the overall goal of an argument. Keep a calm, level head and try to figure out the best way to achieve the end goal, a win. Don't forget, if you're fighting with your spouse, you love this person more than anyone in the world (or at least you should). If you are fighting with your b/f or g/f then you at least like them a TON to invest enough time to actually resolve a conflict with them. If you aren't willing to work through a conflict with someone you are not yet married to, then break up with him/her because if it's not worth it now, it won't be worth it later either.
8. Say You're Sorry
You've done it! You've made it all 15 rounds, you got hurt, bruised, and rolled with the verbal punches of the fight, but you still have one more test, and it is by far the toughest. I have found that if you go the distance in a fight, by the end it is extremely likely that you and your significant other have something to apologize for.
Tweet: "An apology offered with forgiveness is the key ingredient to winning a fight."
I am convinced that you can never truly win a fight unless there is an apology in the 15th round. Think about how hard it would be to "have it out" with your spouse for an hour and a half and not once say something that is untrue, too far, with selfish motives, or just plain ridiculous. I have found that it is almost impossible for both parties to do. So when you fight with your significant other, it's best if you go ahead and plan on apologizing because more than likely, by the end, your significant other will deserve one, and so will you. And so a I present to you... The NewlyWed News proper factor for a winning fight! Observe!
(1 person that loves the other + 1 person that loves the other) x 15 round determination = a team
("a team") x (the ability to keep a bigger perspective) + 1 or more apologies = A Winning Team.
Go for the win.
-JD
Pin it for later:
No comments:
Post a Comment