EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!
Article by Jack Diven
It's one of those mornings again, you know... one of those mornings when you wake up especially early for no apparent reason, lie in bed for a while, and then that paradox within you comes to complete fruition and you realize that all hope is lost and you stand about as much chance of going back to sleep as a hallmark Christmas movie ending with an unpredictable non-cheesy ending.
Yeah... that ain't happinin.
And so, reluctantly, you put on a pot coffee, feel inspired, and you begin to write a blog.
Sometimes, it can be really strange writing a blog that can be helpful to people. As newlywed's, in all honesty, it can be hard to give advice to people about marriage. It can be easy to feel under qualified. But on the contrary, because of our stage in life as newlyweds, it has given Kayla and I a unique voice and perspective on things when comes to marriage.
Here are a couple things that our green marriage eyes can see that may be harmful to a marriage.
1. Accept not being in love.
- As my wife described in a previous blog post, an excellent read by the way...
People have told us on numerous occasions since being married, to "just wait till you see what marriage is like after the honeymoon phase." As if it is only culturally expected (and acceptable) that Kayla and I eventually fall out of love. That as life naturally takes it's course, it is only natural that Kayla and I begin to not love each other as much as we always have. Of course it's not simple, we both know that it will be very tough to choose to love each other in the years to come, but loving someone is a choice you make every day. We will not pretend that it won't be harder than we can imagine to remain in love, but to me, it sounds like a lot of people just accept falling out of love as normal, and since it will be incredibly hard, they just give up and take an average marriage. For me, I like sports analogies, it's like you know that this other team called life is heavily favored so you don't fight for the end result... a winning relationship.
2. Having separate bank accounts
Any situation where you leave your spouse behind or out of something is potentially dangerous. We see this one all the time. In almost every case I find this to be an unhealthy situation for families. I hear many excuses for having separate bank accounts, things like, "I make the money in the family" or "He's not good with his money so why would I let him have full access to it?" All of those things may be true but have you ever considered how your spouse must feel, that the work they do for the family is completely void just because they don't make the most money or any at all. I'm glad my wife doesn't do that to me... if she did I would be broke and our house would probably have a stack of dishes that holds a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Plus, having separate bank accounts takes away an important thing from a marriage... communicating with your spouse about your finances. I dare say that most couples have separate bank accounts because they don't know how to communicate, not because of the other sorry excuses that I mentioned before. Budgeting together can insure that you are both aspiring toward the same goals, and this is incredibly important for a marriage.
3. Putting your kids before your spouse
Some of you reading this may realize that it would be sound Biblical doctrine to make sure that you love your spouse more than your children... and more than yourself for that matter. Practically speaking, think of the message that this sends to your children, when you love them or treat them better than your spouse. It shows them that you love and value them more than their father or mother. There are many negative things that can come from this including your kids being plain spoiled rotten. Not only that but you are painting a picture of an unhealthy relationship and lifestyle that your kids will take with them when they are finding their future spouses. That my friends can be a vicious and endless generational cycle. Think about how a husband must feel, thinking that his wife loves his kid more than she loves him... Think about the sense of inadequacy that must come from that. I remember growing up and thinking that I was supposed to put my kids first with all the media and movie stuff that was coming out at the time. It's time to break the cycle.
4. Having your own personal private lives
Many couples use the excuse of... needing their own space as an excuse for having a private life. By private life I mean your own set of friends, your own set of projects, or passwords for your technology that only you know. When you are married, you are supposed to do things together. I'm sorry, I know that it can get a little much sometimes being around the same person all the time, but to me, there's not excuse for leaving your spouse at home alone while you go out with your boys... at least not on a consistent basis. Some married couples use the excuse of "I have a lot of work to do", as a reason to shut themselves away from their families to work on their own dreams and aspirations. Here's a helpful tip,
Tweet: "Include your spouse in your dreams and aspirations, they want to be included." #newlywednews
Why do something alone when you can work with someone you love, I know that can be hard but again I say... COMMUNICATE!
Tweet: "Include your spouse in your dreams and aspirations, they want to be included." #newlywednews
Why do something alone when you can work with someone you love, I know that can be hard but again I say... COMMUNICATE!
To me there is no excuse to keep passwords to your social media or anything for that matter from your spouse. I'm not saying you have to be that couple that has a joined twitter account like Jack and Kayla Diven... cough... cough... (solely for blog purposes) but you should at least have enough trust and accountability for your spouse to be able to know what your messaging to people. If not, you are asking for trouble.
5. Driving away from a fight
I have to be honest and say that since being married, there have been times where I have been tempted to get in my car and just drive away from whatever issues I have had with Kayla. The problem with this is that when you drive away, you have temporarily avoided the situation but the issues are still there, and when you come back nothing will be resolved. Usually hearts are just a little harder and it's easier to just sweep the problem under the rug and let the problem grow and be a part of the next issue. That's how people can get into fights where they don't even know how they really got started. I understand that sometimes you need to step away from a fight to calm down or think about what needs to be said before you resolve it. We recommend just stepping into another room for a moment. Do not call your mom, dad, or best friend, even under the pretense of "getting advice." Communicate with your spouse! This is always the best way to deal with problem at hand--just communicate. No matter how hard it is, communicating about your issues is better than leaving them unresolved.
And remember, Tweet: "there is healing in forgiveness--give it freely." #newlywednews
I would also not recommend having a camping trip within your house where you sleep on the floor instead of your comfy cloud-like bed. This may result in you waking up at 4 in the morning and writing a blog... well... maybe that's why you should. We even had a camp fire!
And remember, Tweet: "there is healing in forgiveness--give it freely." #newlywednews
I would also not recommend having a camping trip within your house where you sleep on the floor instead of your comfy cloud-like bed. This may result in you waking up at 4 in the morning and writing a blog... well... maybe that's why you should. We even had a camp fire!
Article by Jack Diven, The NewlyWed News.
Blessings, Be well guys.
-JD
Pin it for later:
No comments:
Post a Comment