Great American Mystery- REVEALED

EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Article by Jack Diven

All of you are in for a real treat today. That's right... today I will be revealing one of the great American mysteries! I tried to get all the major news stations to have me in and cover the story, but oddly enough, none of them would have me on. I thought I had the O'Reaily Factor there for a second but Oh Well! I have just decided to unveil this immaculate story to all of our faithful blog followers! So brought to you first by Yours Truly... here goes!!!

Firstly, I trust that all of you had a wonderful holiday experience. Mine was quite crazy and different from any other year, but I can say that it was definitely one of the best! And for those of you that have been following, I got to see my Nana this Christmas after all!!! Take a look-see!

Man I tell you guys, I learned a ton of things from my Nana throughout my life, whether it be directly from her or things that were passed down through my parents. I can remember this revelation from her like it was yesterday... my Nana taught me never... ever... ever... to say...

the..

F*** word! The F*** word, one of the most devastating of words that has ever been articulated through the human mouth. It has only one, solemn, and slightly acceptable alternative pronunciation... TOOT! As in please stop tooting... it smells.

That's right! Instead of saying F*** my Nana taught me that toot was the more appropriate vernacular for everyday common speech and to represent outgoing air coming from a particular area in the human body. So why am I talking to you about F***ing? Well, as the Newlywed News blog, I feel it is my duty to cover a topic such as F***ing for those of you who may be about to take the marriage plunge! 

So where does the mystery unraveling!?!?!? Well... sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride mates! Like all great epics... this story starts in a middle school locker room. Pure poetry my friends! 

I can remember being in the 7th grade locker room full of boys with raging hormones, and having discussions that often eluded to the F*** word. One of the questions we always asked was...

"Do girls even toot, like... ever?"

I will let you in on the secret soon...

Ok so... maybe not a great unraveling an epic American mystery, but if you're a guy and you're not married yet, you may be glad to find out some of these things before you decide you "like it and you wanna put a ring on it" (thank you Beyonce` for contributing to our blog posts).

About four months ago, I was standing in my backyard, at the end of the aisle at my wedding ceremony, staring at the most beautiful women that I have ever seen, walking toward me. Everything about the wedding was perfect, like a dream. And guess what, the honeymoon was EVEN BETTER (woot woot... thats right guys)! 

Kayla and I are a Jesus loving couple. One thing that the Bible talks about is how a man and women become one flesh.  So basically after you get to... well... ya know ;)... you begin to learn things about your spouse that you never knew before. And let me tell you guys, I learned plenty on my honeymoon!

But I did wind up learning something that I never did intend, that's right, everything I believed all my life suddenly was flipped upside down like the Fresh Prince of Belair. Guys... it turns out...

Girls FART! Girls FART a lot! I have found that girls even fart worse than us guys! And my sweet sweet wife Kayla... is quite good at this art form.

I believed in the myth that girls had never and would never fart in their entire lives! Turns out that girls go through a lot of trouble to make sure that they never fart in front of their significant other, but Oh my friends, do not be fooled by this great length of etiquette that women put themselves through, because as you grow closer and closer, your significant other may not find it such a significant thing to rip one in front of you!!!

In fact, now that I am married my wife (among other things that will more than likely be spoken of in other blog posts)  she doesn't think any thing at all to fart in my general vicinity and has even gone out of her way to fart ON me! whew... I'm glad I got that one off my chest!

I know, I know... some of you are now thinking, "this is officially the weirdest couple that I have ever met" and I would have to say that I would agree with you if that is what you think! Kayla and I are both weird and our weirdness is what inspired us to do write this blog in the first place. But one thing that I will say as for all the upside for all the weirdness in this relationship is that Kayla and I are 100% totally ourselves around each other no matter what.

 And although this blog has in large part been about "tooting", I consider it pure joy that my wife and I are completely comfortable with one another and all of our weird quirks. Us being comfortable gives us a uniqueness and sense of honestly and intimacy that is deeper and greater than any relationship that I have ever known other than that of one with Jesus Christ. Hahaha Jesus knows just how weird I truly am!

More weirdness... on our honeymoon... learning new things, really new things!!!

So the moral is, be yourself with your significant other, it is imperative to a healthy relationship, no matter what intruding stink may come your way!

Well... now that that's over, all the questions and all the wonderings can now be put to rest forever. And 7th grade boys can now move forward and find more suitable things to talk about in the locker room before gym class. Your welcome world... your welcome.

You heard it first from the NewlyWed News!

Yours Truly I pray,

-JD

PS. Have any of you even considered how much trouble I am in for this!? All to bring you the most important NewlyWed News no matter how dark, sinister, or smelly! I may not live to bring you another post since my wife will more than likely wreck me in the next blog. And so... my final request for you as I take my last dying breath... SHARE THIS POST! Hope you enjoyed! Have a happy Friday!

Find us on Facebook
Follow us on twitter

Pin it for later: