EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!
Article by Kayla Diven
If you are a newlywed, you’ve probably experienced what I’m
writing about, but this post isn’t for you….this post is for those who have
been married for 5, 10, 20 or a gazillion years. It may seem harsh at first,
but I promise, I’m trying to help you help us newlyweds.
If you are reading this post and you are dating, engaged,
single, newlywed, divorced, new parents, or practically at any stage in your
life (especially the life stages dealing with relationships or the lack
thereof), you will understand where I am coming from because you’ve probably
been given more advice than you care to have at some point in your life.
There will always be people out there that will think that
because of their specific experiences dealing with something, they know
everything there is to know about the subject, and you should hang onto every
word they say like it’s the last drop of water available in the Sahara Desert.
Now understand, this is not a post against giving advise to
others. I highly encourage seeking wise counsel, and I love gaining advise from
those wiser and more experienced than I. But there is a difference between
helpful advice and purposeless, dare I say foolish, statements. There is
“advice” that can do more harm than good.
 |
| Example 1 of awful advice! :) |
As my husband and I are newlyweds (going on 4
months..woohooooo!), we have and still are receiving our fair share of marriage
remarks and life do’s and do not’s. Some
of it we love. We actually sought out advice at our wedding using a “Well
Wishes Tree.” We received so much love from our friends and family and many
nuggets of wisdom including things like “keep God first, never go to bed angry
at one another, never put kids ahead of each other, love selflessly, etc.” This
is the type of useful wisdom that we crave. But there are also so many things
that we’ve heard since being married that have put us down instead of lifting
us up. I could elaborate on all of them, but I think I’ll stick with the phrase
that I’ve heard the most and stings the worst:
“How long have you two been married…oh you’re still in the
honeymoon phase. Just wait another 5 or 10 years…(insert the look of I know
more than you).”
What does that even mean….!? Okay, I know what you mean:
life’s hard, providing for a family is hard, raising children is hard, in-laws
are hard (mine are awesome by the way…sorry), and being around the same person day
after day is hard. I get it. I haven’t lived it all yet, but I get it.
What I don’t get is what you think you are accomplishing by
telling me in prettier words that marriage sucks later on.
If your intention is to insinuate that you know more than I
do about marriage, please stop now. I do not care about what you know, I want
to know that you care.
If you are simply jaded by your marriage and want to take
away my contentment, again stop.
However, if your intention is to truly prepare me for the
rougher, tougher parts of marriage, and you just suck at communication, please
let me help you by giving you some examples of things you could’ve said
instead.
- “How long have you two been married…oh you’re still in the honeymoon phase. That’s great! Stay there forever!”
- “How long have you two been married…oh you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Are there any questions that you have about dealing with specific issues within marriage?’
- “How long have you two been married…oh you’re still in the honeymoon phase.” **Insert here whatever you and your husband do to make time for just each other and keep the romance from the honeymoon phase alive**
·
If you really want to invest into a newlywed
couple, ask them to coffee to share your experiences in caring way.
For us newlyweds marriage can be fun, scary, hard,
incredible, easy, exciting, uncertain, stressful…but no matter what it is, it
is worth it—every up, every down; every high, every low; every mountain, and
every valley—it is worth it because of what marriage reflects—the love God has
for his bride.
So the next time you think about giving a newlywed advice,
think about the eternal impact you could be having by being considerate. Remember the phrase that your mom taught you?
“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Yeah, it doesn’t have an expiration date.
HAPPY NEW YEAR! Be blessed and be a blessing! -kd
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AMEN! Being newly engaged, I can say you hit this one spot on! Our first real "marriage lesson" has been finding out just how discouraging others can be when they are trying to accomplish the exact opposite! It can be so easy to make assumptions from the outside looking in, but living with decisions others have forced on you by "giving advice" is a whole different ball game! Thank you for all the encouragement in this post! You kids are nailing this marriage thing, keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteThanks Whitney! It can definitely be difficult being in a phase of life where people assume you know nothing and they think they know everything. Just don't let discouraging comments get you down. Remember the true reason for marriage, and keep your focus on God, and the insignificant things won't matter. So excited for you!!! :) -Kayla
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