5 Things a Healthy Marriage Should NOT Do

EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Article by Jack Diven

It's one of those mornings again, you know... one of those mornings when you wake up especially early for no apparent reason, lie in bed for a while, and then that paradox within you comes to complete fruition and you realize that all hope is lost and you stand about as much chance of going back to sleep as a hallmark Christmas movie ending with an unpredictable non-cheesy ending. 

Yeah... that ain't happinin. 

And so, reluctantly, you put on a pot coffee, feel inspired, and you begin to write a blog. 

Sometimes, it can be really strange writing a blog that can be helpful to people. As newlywed's, in all honesty, it can be hard to give advice to people about marriage. It can be easy to feel under qualified. But on the contrary, because of our stage in life as newlyweds, it has given Kayla and I a unique voice and perspective on things when comes to marriage. 

Here are a couple things that our green marriage eyes can see that may be harmful to a marriage.

1. Accept not being in love.

- As my wife described in a previous blog post, an excellent read by the way...

http://thenewlywednews.blogspot.com/2015/01/does-your-advice-do-more-harm-or-good.html

People have told us on numerous occasions since being married, to "just wait till you see what marriage is like after the honeymoon phase." As if it is only culturally expected (and acceptable) that Kayla and I eventually fall out of love. That as life naturally takes it's course, it is only natural that Kayla and I begin to not love each other as much as we always have. Of course it's not simple, we both know that it will be very tough to choose to love each other in the years to come, but loving someone is a choice you make every day. We will not pretend that it won't be harder than we can imagine to remain in love, but to me, it sounds like a lot of people just accept falling out of love as normal, and since it will be incredibly hard, they just give up and take an average marriage. For me, I like sports analogies, it's like you know that this other team called life is heavily favored so you don't fight for the end result... a winning relationship. 

2. Having separate bank accounts

Any situation where you leave your spouse behind or out of something is potentially dangerous. We see this one all the time. In almost every case I find this to be an unhealthy situation for families. I hear many excuses for having separate bank accounts, things like, "I make the money in the family" or "He's not good with his money so why would I let him have full access to it?" All of those things may be true but have you ever considered how your spouse must feel, that the work they do for the family is completely void just because they don't make the most money or any at all. I'm glad my wife doesn't do that to me... if she did I would be broke and our house would probably have a stack of dishes that holds a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Plus, having separate bank accounts takes away an important thing from a marriage... communicating with your spouse about your finances. I dare say that most couples have separate bank accounts because they don't know how to communicate, not because of the other sorry excuses that I mentioned before. Budgeting together can insure that you are both aspiring toward the same goals, and this is incredibly important for a marriage.

3. Putting your kids before your spouse

Some of you reading this may realize that it would be sound Biblical doctrine to make sure that you love your spouse more than your children... and more than yourself for that matter.  Practically speaking, think of the message that this sends to your children, when you love them or treat them better than your spouse. It shows them that you love and value them more than their father or mother. There are many negative things that can come from this including your kids being plain spoiled rotten. Not only that but you are painting a picture of an unhealthy relationship and lifestyle that your kids will take with them when they are finding their future spouses. That my friends can be a vicious and endless generational cycle. Think about how a husband must feel, thinking that his wife loves his kid more than she loves him... Think about the sense of inadequacy that must come from that. I remember growing up and thinking that I was supposed to put my kids first with all the media and movie stuff that was coming out at the time. It's time to break the cycle. 

4. Having your own personal private lives

Many couples use the excuse of... needing their own space as an excuse for having a private life. By private life I mean your own set of friends,  your own set of projects, or passwords for your technology that only you know. When you are married, you are supposed to do things together. I'm sorry, I know that it can get a little much sometimes being around the same person all the time, but to me, there's not excuse for leaving your spouse at home alone while you go out with your boys... at least not on a consistent basis. Some married couples use the excuse of "I have a lot of work to do", as a reason to shut themselves away from their families to work on their own dreams and aspirations. Here's a helpful tip,

Tweet: "Include your spouse in your dreams and aspirations, they want to be included." #newlywednews 

Why do something alone when you can work with someone you love, I know that can be hard but again I say... COMMUNICATE! 

To me there is no excuse to keep passwords to your social media or anything for that matter from your spouse. I'm not saying you have to be that couple that has a joined twitter account like Jack and Kayla Diven... cough... cough... (solely for blog purposes) but you should at least have enough trust and accountability for your spouse to be able to know what your messaging to people. If not, you are asking for trouble. 

5. Driving away from a fight

I have to be honest and say that since being married, there have been times where I have been tempted to get in my car and just drive away from whatever issues I have had with Kayla. The problem with this is that when you drive away, you have temporarily avoided the situation but the issues are still there, and when you come back nothing will be resolved. Usually hearts are just a little harder and it's easier to just sweep the problem under the rug and let the problem grow and be a part of the next issue. That's how people can get into fights where they don't even know how they really got started. I understand that sometimes you need to step away from a fight to calm down or think about what needs to be said before you resolve it. We recommend just stepping into another room for a moment. Do not call your mom, dad, or best friend, even under the pretense of "getting advice." Communicate with your spouse! This is always the best way to deal with problem at hand--just communicate. No matter how hard it is, communicating about your issues is better than leaving them unresolved.

 And remember, Tweet: "there is healing in forgiveness--give it freely." #newlywednews

I would also not recommend having a camping trip within your house where you sleep on the floor instead of your comfy cloud-like bed. This may result in you waking up at 4 in the morning and writing a blog... well... maybe that's why you should. We even had a camp fire! 

Article by Jack Diven, The NewlyWed News. 

Blessings, Be well guys.

-JD

Find us on Facebook
Follow us on twitter

Pin it for later:

WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!!!........

IN A LIKE, A BAJILLION YEARS!!!...

GOTCHA! sorry mom!

EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Article by Jack Diven

Sometimes writing a blog is a lot like finding interesting things for a newspaper article. Your always thinking about what your next topic is going to be. Sometimes you make a cup of coffee turn on a movie and scratch your head wondering... what the heck am I going to write about?

Well... right now would be one of those times, soooo long awkward pause while I think of a topic...

Ah yeah... thats it... Babies! Where did that one come from? Where do they come from?

Anyway...

When you get married, you may find that your spouse is insanely obsessed with having children. In fact the only people on this perpetually circulating pile of dirt that wants you have those little burping, tooting, drooling, bald, heathen money pits more than your lovely wife are those crazies that thought by some stretch of the imagination it would be a stupendous idea to begot you! And we all see how that worked out!!! (exaggerated laugh) oh... I crack myself up!

I mean seriously there is some real fear in me about the monstrosities that Kayla and I may possibly bring into this world. Ask yourself, would you be hesitant to have a baby if your child was going to be a mixture of this?






















and this...






















Ya see what I mean!?!? GOOD! Now that we are on the same page, you can understand where I am coming from when I say that it would not be good for my overall health and walk with Jesus to bring a baby looking like that into the world.

(now lets be honest, you saw the pictures, little Jack will inevitably have a block head, and maybe some dumbo ears. I mean I look like some kind of advanced species from another planet. Talk about ammunition.)

I mean, do diapers with filled with mushy baby food that has gone through human disposal process really sound that awesome? Some people seem to think so! Possibly even worse than that is the thought of waking up every hour on the hour to clean up that atomic waste! All these things are only amplified by the fact that my infant child will more than likely be able to operate an iPhone with such skill that they will be parenting me! I mean at that point there will probably be a reverse gravity app that allows my infant child to fly. 



After a few months of these reoccurring themes, the pressure mounts and becomes overwhelming. I go so insane that they decide to put me in a mental institution. I begin to grow a long white beard, wear a skin tight white tank-top with pizza grease on it sporting my new shapely belly. When I get out I spend the remainder of my days out in the country with an added walking stick and pointy hat coupled with my long white beard believing I am some kind of Gandalf prodege`. 

Do you see how dangerous having a kid can be? 

I love to joke about having kids. I already needed to apologize to my wife for this one. But in all honesty, I truly do want to have kids some day, it has always been a dream of mine. I know that Kayla is going to be the greatest mother in the entire world! Yet still, in light of all the scenarios that play out in my head when it comes to having children, I may need some convincing.

If you have kids, how have they been a blessing in your life? Any tips that you can give us so that neither of us ends up practicing magic out in the country somewhere in Montana?

 I hope this article finds you well and gives you a laugh to start your day. 
Blessings,

-JD

Find us on Facebook
Follow us on twitter

Pin it for later:

How Are You Defining Yourself

EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Article by Kayla Diven

As I am writing this, the hubs and I have been married for 4 months, 5 days, 1 hour, and 45 minutes. Let me tell you, I had a pretty good idea of how our our newlywed life would go.

I was going to be an awesome wife. I was going to wake up super early every morning so that I could cook breakfast and fix coffee for my husband. I wanted to be able to go to work for 8 hours a day and have enough energy after to want cook a nice dinner, wash the dishes, get at least one load of laundry done, and basically do all other things that would give me the title of superwife. 

I didn't realize that months before getting married I had begun setting up an unrealistic daily to-do list for myself.  I was so focused on being on Mrs. Perfect, but when I didn't meet my own expectations, I began to feel inadequate. The less I would get done, the more I would sink into my inadequacy. 

I was letting an unfinished list of do-to's define me.

I put all of this pressure on myself because I thought that's what a perfect wife did. I thought that I should expect it of myself because my husband would expect it anyway.

See I thought my husband would love me more if I did more. I had begun to handle my marriage relationship like I find myself handling my relationship with Christ so many times--thinking that I don't deserve grace so I try to work for it. I acted like our love was based on my performance--it makes more sense to have to work for it. But my sweet husband gave me so much grace that I began to realize that my list did not matter very much, not to him.

Of course, he likes the house clean, the dishes washed, clean clothes to wear, good food to eat, etc. But what he wants more than all of that combined is for me to wake up every day and find my identity in Christ.

It keeps me joyful throughout my day when I do chores or conquer a to-do list, but I am not defined by what tasks I did or did not complete. I am not defined by my husband or the title wife. I'm not defined by how delicious dinner was or how many pairs of socks I had to match and put away. And I am not defined by how clean our house is (thank the Lord!). I am defined only by Christ.  My husband loved me and encouraged me like no other to get me to this point, and the more he defined me by Christ, the more I began to do so myself.

In fact if we let what we did define us, I may have more of the husband title while he could be the housewife.  See he is finishing school, so I am currently the main provider. But that's okay because he provides me with so many things that money cannot buy:

He sets his alarm every night so that he can wake me up because he knows I HATE alarms. 
He takes the dogs out first thing in the morning so that I don't have to freeze to death and so I can get a few more minutes of laziness in.
He turns the shower on for me so that by the time I get to the bathroom the water is hot.
He has coffee made for me when I get out of the shower.
He takes out the trash.
He does laundry while I'm at work.
He does the dishes if I cook dinner so that I do not have to do both.
He is a dreamer, and encourages me to follow my dreams, even if to some my dreams are lame. He believes in me like no one else does.
He loves me undeservingly, and shows me more of Jesus every day than I've ever known in any other relationship. 

I have come to find that I have the most loving, caring, thoughtful, selfless, amazing, I could go on for days husband. He has helped me realize that I can define myself however I want: by my job, by the status wife, by the fact that I want kids some day, by the things I accomplish. But my only identity that truly matters is the one I find in Christ. I am a child of God--that's all that matters.

So when you're getting bogged down with your daily list of to-do's, when being a mom gets overwhelming, when you want to quit your job, when life gets messy and a new chapter unfolds, remember Whose you are.


PS. If your life is a bit overwhelming and you want a fast, efficient way to declutter your home, visit www.corieclark.com. She has some amazing books and product for simplifying your life. One of them being the Purposeful Planner that I'm in love with. If you missed out this year, you really need to be on the lookout next year!

Find us on Facebook
Follow us on twitter

Pin it for later:

Change (Not a Well Thought-out Political Campaign)

EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Article by Jack Diven

What up peeps!?!?

I pray all of you are blessed today! Before we begin I would just like to inform you that I am currently sitting in my office on a Friday afternoon (it's Christmas break in the magical land of higher academia) watching... Mulan! Man some things never change, am I right? Mulan is always gonna be a go to movie, no matter how old and mature we get!

(I'm thinking the blu-ray extended version would be a great present for this guy who has a  has birthday coming up! Just saying! No Shame... I'm a MAN as mysterious as the dark side of the moon!!!)

These men a mysterious to say the least!

We have a lot of fun here on the NewlyWed News coming to you live from the comfort of our home every other day, I mean our last 2 blogs have been about F***ing.
(NWN Inside joke: Unravel the mystery here)
http://thenewlywednews.blogspot.com/2015/01/great-american-mystery-revealed.html

Every now and then, we sprinkle a little serious sauce on some of our topics and since my wife got to throw it down last time, I figured it was about time that I took a crack at it. Sooooo... you ready!? It's coming fast... hey ho here we go!


Let me state something that many of us seem not to understand...

Tweet: "There is a difference between trying to be someone that you're not and changing yourself for the purpose of improvement."

 Contrary to popular belief and many poetic single people who say things like,
"Don't ever change". They say things like "Stop trying to change me" as if they are something so great that it would detrimental to the human existence if they were to change a thing about themselves. Change is actually a natural and necessary part of a serious relationship and is unavoidable.

 It is impossible to be with someone on the level of "marriage" or "engaged" or at least trying to be engaged without them affecting your life in drastic ways. So if you wanna get married someday, get ready to change. Whomever you are with, if it is serious at all, is going to change you. And if you are married and you are still seriously trying to focus on your spouse NOT changing you. Grow up, you're in for a long ride, or maybe a short one if you keep that up.

Everyone, change comes with the territory when you are speaking of serious relationships. You can expect it. That is why it is extremely important that you find someone that is not trying to change you, they are trying to change with you, to grow with you, to become better with you.



*Related Christian rant... go*

Christians, many of you think that you are "never supposed to change" that God made you "perfect just the way you are"... how about that part where Jesus says, "be imitators of Me", where Paul says to imitate and follow me as I am imitating Christ.

Think any of that requires change from the person that you are right now?

And just since I'm in an especially rebellious mood right now, Christian women, could it be that your biblical calling and change collide in such a way that you are supposed to be an imitator of your husband that is also being an imitator of Christ?

Do you honestly believe that there is no change that needs to take place there? 

As a man that is trying to be an imitator of Christ, I find that I need to be changing just about every second of every day to be more like Christ and not like myself.

*Christian rant... over.*



You will find that in healthy relationships you can be yourself to such great lengths that you will learn about the person that you truly are. In my experience, this is one of the greatest things of marriage and I would imagine that it will remain that way.

You'll find that you can watch your favorite Disney princess movies, you can dance around the house like a deranged naked mad man, and you can indulge and bask in all of your weird NewlyWed quirks because there is a love there that is not dependent on what you do, or what you say, how you look, or any other material thing.

Oh yes... quirky!

I think what I am really trying to say is this,

Tweet: "Be yourself. Be yourself until you know that you are with the person that you are meant to be with for your entire life, then change and grow with them."

Once you have found this person as I have... you will change together, and you will find yourself becoming a better person than you ever could have imagined.

I have loved more than I ever have, been loved more than I ever have been, and I am also more my weird self with Kayla than I ever been with anyone in my entire life. Funny how that works.

Kayla and I have changed immensely since we have gotten married. In a healthy way, both of us have had to make compromises with our personal dreams and desires in order to fulfill a bigger dream, a greater dream... a life with each other.

Well... that was fun. Let's do it again some time. I pray this finds you well!

Blessings,

-JD writer for the NewlyWed News blog


Oh and by the way, I have now moved from watching Mulan to Fox and the Hound, a movie that I was always scared of when I was a little kid. I suppose now that I am an adult I am grown up enough to watch it!!! What do ya think!?

Find us on Facebook
Follow us on twitter

Pin it for later:

Is Your Spouse Setting Double Standards?

EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Article by Kayla Diven

*Disclaimer* This is a rebuttal to the hubs latest blog, which needs to be read here before proceeding: http://thenewlywednews.blogspot.com/2015/01/great-american-mystery-revealed.html

Today we’re going to talk about hypocrisy, double standards, sexism…whatever you want to call it, the fact is men have always believed there are things they should do that women should not. Now I’m no feminist, but I believe in equal rights when it comes to one thing…

And that’s me being able to pass gas whenever I want to!!

I mean what the heck?! Who determined that passing gas was a manly thing to do?!

My insides are no different than yours, and we’re married so we eat the exact same food. Chances are if it gave you gas, it gave me gas too. Also, I’m trying to be healthy over here, so forgive me for liking my fiber!


Now to all you reading this, please do not think that I am some gross, careless, flatulating person.

I tried to be polite…trust me I tried so hard. Throughout our dating and engagement time, I probably only passed gas out loud in front of my now husband two or three times and they were all COMPLETELY on accident…I mean I was MORTIFIED when those slipped out.

If I knew I had gas, I would go into another room or try so hard to hold it in that my face would turn purple. All because I was taught that it was not polite for girls to fart at all, let alone in front of others.

But let me tell you when the tables turned…bear with me because you’ll need the whole story to appreciate the severity of what happened!


Picture your wedding day: it’s perfect regardless of any hiccups that happened because at the end of the day you’re married to the love of your life, and he’s perfect.

Then you check out of reality for a week while you have the most incredible time exploring new things and places with each other. You’re staying in a hotel that has the most incredible view of Niagara Falls, and you walk down the street and it’s right there before you in all its roaring beauty. You eat the most amazing dinners at the most elegant restaurants (rack of lamb was my favorite). You have room service waiters at your beck and call, and you can’t imagine anything more perfect

Perfection

…but...

Sooner or later this beautiful thing called a honeymoon comes to an end. You fly back, and you realize that the only good part about being home is finally getting to sleep in your amazingly comfortable, new, soft-as-a-cloud bed TOGETHER…FINALLY!

You’re all snuggled in cuddled up to each other (naked of course because your’re married), then your husband—your handsome, amazing, never-done-anything-wrong, perfect husband rolls over so his butt is on you and LETS. ONE. RIP……ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

Reality hit me right in the nose!

He then rolls over, and while I’m still wearing my face of complete and utter shock tells me, “I’ve been dying to do that!” And laughs hysterically!!!??

Is something mentally wrong with him…what the heck?! He actually premeditated farting on me!

Here I am depriving myself of oxygen and killing brain cells so I can be *polite* …and he thinks it’s okay to fart ON me!

Oh no no no…two can play this game!

Our officiant said for better or worse, and we’re one flesh now anyway…

So guess what…

If I feel like passing gas now, I do! Because like my great grandmother used to say:

“Better out than in!”

xoxo Kayla

Find us on Facebook
Follow us on twitter

Pin it for later:

Great American Mystery- REVEALED

EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Article by Jack Diven

All of you are in for a real treat today. That's right... today I will be revealing one of the great American mysteries! I tried to get all the major news stations to have me in and cover the story, but oddly enough, none of them would have me on. I thought I had the O'Reaily Factor there for a second but Oh Well! I have just decided to unveil this immaculate story to all of our faithful blog followers! So brought to you first by Yours Truly... here goes!!!

Firstly, I trust that all of you had a wonderful holiday experience. Mine was quite crazy and different from any other year, but I can say that it was definitely one of the best! And for those of you that have been following, I got to see my Nana this Christmas after all!!! Take a look-see!

Man I tell you guys, I learned a ton of things from my Nana throughout my life, whether it be directly from her or things that were passed down through my parents. I can remember this revelation from her like it was yesterday... my Nana taught me never... ever... ever... to say...

the..

F*** word! The F*** word, one of the most devastating of words that has ever been articulated through the human mouth. It has only one, solemn, and slightly acceptable alternative pronunciation... TOOT! As in please stop tooting... it smells.

That's right! Instead of saying F*** my Nana taught me that toot was the more appropriate vernacular for everyday common speech and to represent outgoing air coming from a particular area in the human body. So why am I talking to you about F***ing? Well, as the Newlywed News blog, I feel it is my duty to cover a topic such as F***ing for those of you who may be about to take the marriage plunge! 

So where does the mystery unraveling!?!?!? Well... sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride mates! Like all great epics... this story starts in a middle school locker room. Pure poetry my friends! 

I can remember being in the 7th grade locker room full of boys with raging hormones, and having discussions that often eluded to the F*** word. One of the questions we always asked was...

"Do girls even toot, like... ever?"

I will let you in on the secret soon...

Ok so... maybe not a great unraveling an epic American mystery, but if you're a guy and you're not married yet, you may be glad to find out some of these things before you decide you "like it and you wanna put a ring on it" (thank you Beyonce` for contributing to our blog posts).

About four months ago, I was standing in my backyard, at the end of the aisle at my wedding ceremony, staring at the most beautiful women that I have ever seen, walking toward me. Everything about the wedding was perfect, like a dream. And guess what, the honeymoon was EVEN BETTER (woot woot... thats right guys)! 

Kayla and I are a Jesus loving couple. One thing that the Bible talks about is how a man and women become one flesh.  So basically after you get to... well... ya know ;)... you begin to learn things about your spouse that you never knew before. And let me tell you guys, I learned plenty on my honeymoon!

But I did wind up learning something that I never did intend, that's right, everything I believed all my life suddenly was flipped upside down like the Fresh Prince of Belair. Guys... it turns out...

Girls FART! Girls FART a lot! I have found that girls even fart worse than us guys! And my sweet sweet wife Kayla... is quite good at this art form.

I believed in the myth that girls had never and would never fart in their entire lives! Turns out that girls go through a lot of trouble to make sure that they never fart in front of their significant other, but Oh my friends, do not be fooled by this great length of etiquette that women put themselves through, because as you grow closer and closer, your significant other may not find it such a significant thing to rip one in front of you!!!

In fact, now that I am married my wife (among other things that will more than likely be spoken of in other blog posts)  she doesn't think any thing at all to fart in my general vicinity and has even gone out of her way to fart ON me! whew... I'm glad I got that one off my chest!

I know, I know... some of you are now thinking, "this is officially the weirdest couple that I have ever met" and I would have to say that I would agree with you if that is what you think! Kayla and I are both weird and our weirdness is what inspired us to do write this blog in the first place. But one thing that I will say as for all the upside for all the weirdness in this relationship is that Kayla and I are 100% totally ourselves around each other no matter what.

 And although this blog has in large part been about "tooting", I consider it pure joy that my wife and I are completely comfortable with one another and all of our weird quirks. Us being comfortable gives us a uniqueness and sense of honestly and intimacy that is deeper and greater than any relationship that I have ever known other than that of one with Jesus Christ. Hahaha Jesus knows just how weird I truly am!

More weirdness... on our honeymoon... learning new things, really new things!!!

So the moral is, be yourself with your significant other, it is imperative to a healthy relationship, no matter what intruding stink may come your way!

Well... now that that's over, all the questions and all the wonderings can now be put to rest forever. And 7th grade boys can now move forward and find more suitable things to talk about in the locker room before gym class. Your welcome world... your welcome.

You heard it first from the NewlyWed News!

Yours Truly I pray,

-JD

PS. Have any of you even considered how much trouble I am in for this!? All to bring you the most important NewlyWed News no matter how dark, sinister, or smelly! I may not live to bring you another post since my wife will more than likely wreck me in the next blog. And so... my final request for you as I take my last dying breath... SHARE THIS POST! Hope you enjoyed! Have a happy Friday!

Find us on Facebook
Follow us on twitter

Pin it for later:

Does Your Advice Do More Harm or Good

EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Article by Kayla Diven

If you are a newlywed, you’ve probably experienced what I’m writing about, but this post isn’t for you….this post is for those who have been married for 5, 10, 20 or a gazillion years. It may seem harsh at first, but I promise, I’m trying to help you help us newlyweds.

If you are reading this post and you are dating, engaged, single, newlywed, divorced, new parents, or practically at any stage in your life (especially the life stages dealing with relationships or the lack thereof), you will understand where I am coming from because you’ve probably been given more advice than you care to have at some point in your life.

There will always be people out there that will think that because of their specific experiences dealing with something, they know everything there is to know about the subject, and you should hang onto every word they say like it’s the last drop of water available in the Sahara Desert.

Now understand, this is not a post against giving advise to others. I highly encourage seeking wise counsel, and I love gaining advise from those wiser and more experienced than I. But there is a difference between helpful advice and purposeless, dare I say foolish, statements. There is “advice” that can do more harm than good.

Example 1 of awful advice! :)

As my husband and I are newlyweds (going on 4 months..woohooooo!), we have and still are receiving our fair share of marriage remarks and life do’s and do not’s.  Some of it we love. We actually sought out advice at our wedding using a “Well Wishes Tree.” We received so much love from our friends and family and many nuggets of wisdom including things like “keep God first, never go to bed angry at one another, never put kids ahead of each other, love selflessly, etc.” This is the type of useful wisdom that we crave. But there are also so many things that we’ve heard since being married that have put us down instead of lifting us up. I could elaborate on all of them, but I think I’ll stick with the phrase that I’ve heard the most and stings the worst:

“How long have you two been married…oh you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Just wait another 5 or 10 years…(insert the look of I know more than you).”

What does that even mean….!? Okay, I know what you mean: life’s hard, providing for a family is hard, raising children is hard, in-laws are hard (mine are awesome by the way…sorry), and being around the same person day after day is hard. I get it. I haven’t lived it all yet, but I get it.

What I don’t get is what you think you are accomplishing by telling me in prettier words that marriage sucks later on.

If your intention is to insinuate that you know more than I do about marriage, please stop now. I do not care about what you know, I want to know that you care.

If you are simply jaded by your marriage and want to take away my contentment, again stop.

However, if your intention is to truly prepare me for the rougher, tougher parts of marriage, and you just suck at communication, please let me help you by giving you some examples of things you could’ve said instead.

•       “How long have you two been married…oh you’re still in the honeymoon phase. That’s great! Stay there forever!”  

•       “How long have you two been married…oh you’re still in the honeymoon phase. Are there any questions that you have about dealing with specific issues within marriage?’

•       “How long have you two been married…oh you’re still in the honeymoon phase.”  **Insert here whatever you and your husband do to make time for just each other and keep the romance from the honeymoon phase alive**

·      If you really want to invest into a newlywed couple, ask them to coffee to share your experiences in caring way.

For us newlyweds marriage can be fun, scary, hard, incredible, easy, exciting, uncertain, stressful…but no matter what it is, it is worth it—every up, every down; every high, every low; every mountain, and every valley—it is worth it because of what marriage reflects—the love God has for his bride.

So the next time you think about giving a newlywed advice, think about the eternal impact you could be having by being considerate.  Remember the phrase that your mom taught you? “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”  Yeah, it doesn’t have an expiration date.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Be blessed and be a blessing! -kd

Follow us on twitter

Find us on Facebook

Pin it for later: