EXTRA... EXTRA... READ ALL ABOUT IT!
Article by Kayla Diven
*Disclaimer* This is a rebuttal to the hubs latest blog, which needs to be read here before proceeding: http://thenewlywednews.blogspot.com/2015/01/great-american-mystery-revealed.html
Today we’re going to talk about hypocrisy, double standards, sexism…whatever you want to call it, the fact is men have always believed there are things they should do that women should not. Now I’m no feminist, but I believe in equal rights when it comes to one thing…
And that’s me being able to pass gas whenever I want to!!
I mean what the heck?! Who determined that passing gas was a manly thing to do?!
My insides are no different than yours, and we’re married so we eat the exact same food. Chances are if it gave you gas, it gave me gas too. Also, I’m trying to be healthy over here, so forgive me for liking my fiber!
Now to all you reading this, please do not think that I am some gross, careless, flatulating person.
I tried to be polite…trust me I tried so hard. Throughout our dating and engagement time, I probably only passed gas out loud in front of my now husband two or three times and they were all COMPLETELY on accident…I mean I was MORTIFIED when those slipped out.
If I knew I had gas, I would go into another room or try so hard to hold it in that my face would turn purple. All because I was taught that it was not polite for girls to fart at all, let alone in front of others.
But let me tell you when the tables turned…bear with me because you’ll need the whole story to appreciate the severity of what happened!
Picture your wedding day: it’s perfect regardless of any hiccups that happened because at the end of the day you’re married to the love of your life, and he’s perfect.
Then you check out of reality for a week while you have the most incredible time exploring new things and places with each other. You’re staying in a hotel that has the most incredible view of Niagara Falls, and you walk down the street and it’s right there before you in all its roaring beauty. You eat the most amazing dinners at the most elegant restaurants (rack of lamb was my favorite). You have room service waiters at your beck and call, and you can’t imagine anything more perfect
And that’s me being able to pass gas whenever I want to!!
I mean what the heck?! Who determined that passing gas was a manly thing to do?!
My insides are no different than yours, and we’re married so we eat the exact same food. Chances are if it gave you gas, it gave me gas too. Also, I’m trying to be healthy over here, so forgive me for liking my fiber!
Now to all you reading this, please do not think that I am some gross, careless, flatulating person.
I tried to be polite…trust me I tried so hard. Throughout our dating and engagement time, I probably only passed gas out loud in front of my now husband two or three times and they were all COMPLETELY on accident…I mean I was MORTIFIED when those slipped out.
If I knew I had gas, I would go into another room or try so hard to hold it in that my face would turn purple. All because I was taught that it was not polite for girls to fart at all, let alone in front of others.
But let me tell you when the tables turned…bear with me because you’ll need the whole story to appreciate the severity of what happened!
Picture your wedding day: it’s perfect regardless of any hiccups that happened because at the end of the day you’re married to the love of your life, and he’s perfect.
Then you check out of reality for a week while you have the most incredible time exploring new things and places with each other. You’re staying in a hotel that has the most incredible view of Niagara Falls, and you walk down the street and it’s right there before you in all its roaring beauty. You eat the most amazing dinners at the most elegant restaurants (rack of lamb was my favorite). You have room service waiters at your beck and call, and you can’t imagine anything more perfect
 |
| Perfection |
…but...
Sooner or later this beautiful thing called a honeymoon comes to an end. You fly back, and you realize that the only good part about being home is finally getting to sleep in your amazingly comfortable, new, soft-as-a-cloud bed TOGETHER…FINALLY!
You’re all snuggled in cuddled up to each other (naked of course because your’re married), then your husband—your handsome, amazing, never-done-anything-wrong, perfect husband rolls over so his butt is on you and LETS. ONE. RIP……ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?
Reality hit me right in the nose!
He then rolls over, and while I’m still wearing my face of complete and utter shock tells me, “I’ve been dying to do that!” And laughs hysterically!!!??
Is something mentally wrong with him…what the heck?! He actually premeditated farting on me!
Here I am depriving myself of oxygen and killing brain cells so I can be *polite* …and he thinks it’s okay to fart ON me!
Oh no no no…two can play this game!
Our officiant said for better or worse, and we’re one flesh now anyway…
So guess what…
If I feel like passing gas now, I do! Because like my great grandmother used to say:
“Better out than in!”
Our officiant said for better or worse, and we’re one flesh now anyway…
So guess what…
If I feel like passing gas now, I do! Because like my great grandmother used to say:
“Better out than in!”
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